Terrorism 101 (a parody of Ready.gov)

October 5, 2011 by Shelly Cooper

The US government, in its infinite wisdom, has created a website (ready.gov) to help you prepare for a terrorist attack (in addition to other natural disasters). Unfortunately, as is so often the case, they’ve fallen a tad short with their visual aids.

But fear not, fellow citizens! We’ve graciously offered to recaption the wayward illustrations so that you might be better prepared for the inevitable crisis. As such, we present to you the following guide…

And yes, even though ready.gov finally updated their site, these are actual images that can still be found there.

Part 1: When Terrorists Attack!

vis_rad_shield — When watching a nuclear attack, be sure to protect yourself from the blast by standing behind a large plate-glass window.

vis_rad_time — If you're near a source of radiation, try to absorb as much as possible with your groin, because radiation works a lot better than that lame "ENL4RGEM3NT" crap you've been buying off the Internet. Five minutes and 12 seconds ought to do the trick.

nuc_vis_building — Be careful, though. Too much radiation, and your whole body will grow to gigantic proportions. Watch your head!

vis_high_windows — In the event that the radiation turns you into a disgusting mutant with a disfigured hand, close the windows for crying out loud! Nobody wants to see that crap!

bio_vis_substance — If a terrorist gang member "tags" you with orange spray paint, it's probably because you don't have a cool tattoo. Maybe now's a good time to get one. You know, the biohazard symbol would look awesome on your right bicep. Think about it.

vis_chem_area — Or what about adding some dead birds, dead fish, and a hurricane symbol? Might give you that "bad boy" look you've been wanting.

vis_chem_fish — On the other hand, dead animals probably wouldn't exactly be a hit with the ladies.

vis_chem_leave — Best to stick with the original plan. Let's head to the tattoo parlor for that biohazard symbol. Oh, hey, check it out -- "Tattoos while you wait!"

expl_vis_smoke — Be advised that some terrorists are now threatening American citizens with secondhand smoke.

vis_high_stay — If a terrorist plays Kenny G, Yanni, or John Tesh at you, cower in a fetal position until they leave. Otherwise, run the Hell away!

Part 2: The Aftermath

vis_high_cover — If a terrorist attack trashes your computer, you are likely to go into a deep depression. Give yourself time to grieve. Curling up in a little ball on the floor may help.

expl_vis_tap — If you're trapped in a collapsed building, just use your handy anti-terrorism flashlight to lift those walls right off of you.

expl_vis_dust — If you don't have your anti-terrorism flashlight with you, conserve oxygen by not farting.

bio_vis_clocks — Be courteous to your fellow survivors. Limit your online gaming and MTV viewing time to one-hour intervals (two hours during "Jersey Shore" marathons).

expl_vis_family — In the event of an extended terrorist attack, you may be forced to eat your children. Break it to them gently.

medic_trio — Pretending to be a rescue worker is a great way to cop a feel. A fake badge or a medical kit will give you added credibility. Be sure to leave when the real medics arrive

vis_car_road — Remember, if you give in to fear, the terrorists win. So, when evacuating a city, be sure to pull over and enjoy a nice sunset. Or a thermonuclear blast in the distance. Whichever's handy.

Part 3: General Advice

expl_vis_burning_bldg — Your house is a valuable asset. Don't set fire to it.

expl_vis_closed_door — Just to be on the safe side, use a karate chop to open all exit doors. This will surprise any terrorists lying in wait on the other side.

expl_vis_drop_roll — Searching for a lost contact lens during a terrorist attack can only lead to tragedy.

expl_vis_dont_run — Avoid jogging when your arm is on fire.

vis_car_wire — Never drive a station wagon if a power pole is sticking out of the hood.

vis_chem_choke — If a terrorist Sith Lord (such as Darth Vader) starts using the Force to choke you, just give it up, man. You're toast!

sc_left — If a terrorist attack has crippled the local infrastructure, use the down-time to work on your taxes. You know the IRS isn't going to cut you any slack.

Part 4: Recognizing and Reacting to Terrorists

vis_chem_affected — Terrorists typically have both pinkeye and leprosy. They also tend to rub their hands together maniacally.

expl_vis_cover_nose — To avoid recognition, terrorists often wear surgical masks. Also, the fact that they're wearing vests made out of C-4 plastic explosive tends to make them sweat a lot.

bio_vis_cover — If a sweaty man in a surgical mask asks you for extra linens, he's probably a terrorist.

bio_vis_towns — Terrorists hate Missouri. Especially Kansas City, St. Louis, and (ironically) Arab, Missouri.

vis_high_elevators — Terrorists hate us for our freedoms, especially our right to vote. In the event of an attack, stay away from voting booths.

expl_vis_shout — If you do spot a terrorist, carefully unwrap your official anti-terrorism "Agent Orange" Whistle-Pop™ to alert the authorities. Try not to shove your Whistle-Pop too far up your nose. It really hurts when you do that!

Source: Images are from Ready.gov — captions are (mostly) original material.